Amy the Mom

So many books...

so little time.

Fiend

Oh sure, he looks sweet and cuddly-all four inches of him.  But he and his family are decimating my hostas and asters.  They're monsters.

Someone is going to have to pay.

Grab your camera!

I'll definitely participate in this event.  If you've never been to Flickr, where have you been?  It's one of the most fascinating places on the web. 

If you'd like to browse a digital history of my life over the last six years, click here.

An open letter to Clark

Dear Clark,

In exchange for letting you:

1. Take over the beige leather chair in the family room
2. Sleep in bed with Steve and I each night
3. Live after eating an MP3 player, a silk shantung dress shoe and the pelts of a coyote and fox
4. Raid the pantry of all bread items
5. Shed all over the damn place
6. Run up several thousand dollars worth of veterinary bills

I kindly request that you return to using the wooded area in the backyard to relieve yourself. Your gallons of pee are killing the grass, and I pay far too much for chemical assistance to let you destroy the lawn that is my pride and joy.  Additionally, I don't want to walk out the front door one more time and be assaulted by the "fragrance" of your steaming solid waste.  Why must you do this right next to the front walk?  I still lack the iron stomach to deal with the smell.  By now, you must have noticed how I get dry heaves when I come within three yards of your deposits. 

In anticipation of your cooperation, I promise to:

1. Provide you with a bright tennis ball that you will persistently toss onto my lap as I attempt to watch television
2. Make sure that your water bowl is always full
3. See that your favorite chair remains unobstructed
4. Pay for your very expensive cataract surgery so that you will stop bumping into furniture

   Thank you,

The Woman Who Owns You

The return of grilling season

This is one of my award winning recipes, although sadly I was robbed of the grand prize that I so richly deserved.  A couple years ago, the radio station I listened to sponsored a contest in conjunction with my favorite garden center.  The grand prize was a Weber gas grill-not my dream grill, but bigger than the one I currently had.  Contestants had to submit a recipe, and the winners would be selected from the entries.  I knew that my flank steak was a ringer. 

A week after submitting the recipe, I received an email notifying me that I was a finalist, and I should show up at Gerten's the following Saturday morning. I asked if I should bring a sample of the finished recipe, but was told that it wouldn't be necessary.  I decided this was because the station probably had a test kitchen, and would announce the winner in some grand fashion at the garden center.  I notified all of my friends and relatives of the news and told them to listen for the announcement on the station.   

Saturday arrived and I reported to Gerten's at promptly 8 AM.  There were a dozen other contestants there, most starstruck by the goofy sidekick DJ.  I looked around for my "major award", but couldn't see it.  Why wasn't there some type of table with all of our prepared recipes?

A PR rep from the radio station appeared and explained that the grand prize winner would be determined by a game of musical grills.  The garden center had a display area with twelve grills, and one of them had a certificate inside.  Whoever landed on the grill with the winning ticket inside would take it home.  All I could think is, "What?!  This isn't right.  The winner should be determined by merit, by depth of flavor, not by a children's parlor game."  Ultimately, some guy with a pregnant wife at home won, and I grudgingly accepted my runner up prize of mesquite chips and butt rub.  Gyp.    

Amy's Two Day Flank Steak

You could marinade for 24 hours only, but trust me, it's called TWO DAY Flank Steak for a reason.  Flank steak is one tough cut of meat, and you need every minute of those 48 hours to tenderize that bad boy. 

2 lbs. flank steak
1/4 C olive oil
1 6 oz. can pineapple juice
1 C soy sauce (Kikkoman's low sodium)
1/4 C honey
1/2 C rice vinegar
1 bunch green onions thinly sliced
4 cloves garlic, crushed
2 tsp fresh grated ginger
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
1 tsp. fresh ground black pepper

Score the flank steak in one inch intervals on the diagonal on both sides of the meat. Mix all of the marinade ingredients well in a gallon sized resealable freezer bag. Insert the meat and flip the bag several times to thoroughly coat the steak. Refrigerate, and turn the bag several times over the next 48 hours. When grilling time has arrived, cook for 6 minutes on each side. Slice on the diagonal every half inch and serve immediately. The leftovers make great sandwiches on a baguette roll. 

Interview

Well.  I am being "interviewed" by one of my blogging heroines...because I asked nicely, and sucked up showered her with adulation.  If you're not familiar with Susie Fairchild than I urge you to run, not walk, over to her blog.  She is the author of my very favorite post of all time, Booty Flies. Read it, and prepare to weep from the hilarity.  I was at work when I first read it, and I was laughing so hard I had to hide behind my office door, covering my mouth and wiping the tears from my face.  Trust me, I'm not overselling this post.

1.  What's the strangest thing you've ever carried in your purse? 
I don't know if it's strange, so much as uncommon.  Back when I was an active Realtor, I carried an ultrasonic measuring tape in my purse.  It's an easier way to get accurate measurements of rooms and doesn't require two people stretching a metal tape wall to wall.

2.  Did anyone give you any really good advice about blending families?  Any really bad advice?
Hmmm, good question.  I wouldn't say that the transition to step-mom was easy, but it could have been much, much worse. What made our situation simpler was that my kids and Steve's son bonded instantly, and have never referred to each other as step siblings, they're just brothers and sister.  If my kids like (love) someone, then generally, I'll embrace them as well.  Best advice...don't treat your stepchild as a project, someone you need to "fix."  Understand that (in my case) this is a child who lived a life on their terms for 14 years prior to joining your family, and their perspective is completely unique.  I haven't really received bad advice, I've only sought support from people that I trust and respect.   

3.  Your husband wants to give you the gift of the most romantic 24 hours of your life.  What does he do?
He sends an interior/exterior cleaning crew to the house while I'm spending the day shopping at the Mall of America, doing my best to spend the balance of a generous gift card.  The house is fresh smelling and immaculate when I arrive. Every single piece of dirty laundry has been washed, dried and put away. There aren't any unmatched socks left, either. The pantry and refrigerator have been stocked with week's worth of groceries.  I'm then whisked away by chauffeured limousine to have a manicure, pedicure and facial performed at my favorite spa.  After a professional makeup artist and hair stylist have their way with me, the limo arrives with Steve in tow and we take the "scenic route" to our favorite restaurant.  We arrive home and find that the dogs have been kenneled, and the kids are with Grandma.  Steve draws a luxurious bubble bath for me and hands me a warm towel when I've soaked long enough.  We retire to our bedroom....and...I guess the rest is really none of your beeswax, now is it?      

4.  You're very generous with your wonderful recipes.  What do you think of those people who won't share a recipe?
Yeaaaaaah, I'm actually one of those people.  I'd be hard pressed to give up my cheesecake recipe-it took me years to perfect it and I hope to win a contest with it someday.  I'll whip one up for you anytime you ask, but you're not getting the recipe.  I would however, trade that recipe for my friend's Date Nut Bread recipe, with the understanding that we'd keep each other's secrets, swear on a stack of bibles. 

5. Have you ever had a paranormal/psychic experience?
I can't believe I'm putting this out there on the web, but here goes...Before I threw in the towel on my marriage, (a decision that I did not make without enormous anguish and consideration) I was extremely agitated with my ex-husband.  One night, as we were laying in bed, I was trying to make him understand the gravity of our situation.  I was angrier than I have ever been in my life before or since, and my head was throbbing from the stress.  Our room was completely dark and suddenly, close to the ceiling there was a loud pop-almost like a light bulb burning out when you flick a switch, louder though.  But this was accompanied by a blue flash of light, which then streaked away from us and seemed to go through a window on the opposite wall.  We both asked, "What the hell was that?!", and my ex hopped out of bed and turned on the overhead light.  None of the bulbs were burnt out.  He said he was going to the basement to check the circuit box.  I sat alone in the bed, my chin resting on my knees, my arms wrapped around my legs.  I noticed my headache had completely disappeared. He returned to the room and reported nothing was out of the ordinary as I silently wondered what he was even looking for.  We turned off the lights, went back under the covers and never spoke of it again.  I think I've told two other people this story in the last eight years-and now it's up for the entire world to see.  I did exhaustive searches on the Internet the next day and could never figure out what type of psychic or paranormal phenomenon this was...if anyone has any ideas, feel free to share your knowledge.  It's something I've wondered about since. (cue the theme to "The Twilight Zone.")  Susie, you're a mental health professional, have you ever heard of such a thing?

Want me to interview you?  (Don't everyone ask at once!) Here's the instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me!"
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same
post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five
questions.

Gremlin

Conversation this morning after Alex feeds Clark.

Alex: Is Purina Dog Chow the one that adds two years to your dog's life?

Me: I don't know, but if it is, don't give anymore to Jackson.

Mario's Favorite French Toast

This will be the final post in my Mario Trilogy, I certainly don't want the other kids to get complexes over the disproportionate blog time. 

Mario's favorite breakfast food is French Toast, and he likes it served with plenty of pure maple syrup (did you really think this kid would settle for Mrs. Butterworth?) and bacon.  Best bacon quote from Mario, "Do you know what I like about bacon?  I like the crispy part and I like the chewy white part."  Sooo, there's really nothing you don't like about bacon, right Son? 

Mario's French Toast

One round loaf of King's Hawaiian Bread, cut into one inch thick slices (this is the most critical ingredient, the bread is sweet and dense)
1 C milk
1 egg, slightly beaten
1/2 C dark brown sugar
1 TBSP vanilla (THIS is the only vanilla I purchase for baking)
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg

Bring a griddle to medium heat, melting butter and distributing evenly.  Mix ingredients well in a pie plate or other shallow dish.  Lightly dredge the bread in the batter-don't soak it. To me, there's nothing worse than French Toast that is little more than an egg and milk sponge.  Place the slices on the griddle and cook until golden brown.  Serve warm with maple syrup, or drizzle with a fruit syrup, like strawberry or blackberry, and top with fresh fruit and whipped cream. 

He says the darndest things...

While the previous post about Mario was lengthy, I don't think I fully captured my youngest son's personality.  So, I present you with some of my favorite Mario quotes:

"I like your suit."  Said to a nattily dressed Nordstrom salesman who Mario had been staring at the length of a descending escalator ride.  He then turned to me and wondered if they might have one in his size. Hmmm, Armani for kids...now there's an idea. Post script: WTF, please God, please God, please don't let Mario find this website. 

"That's against the law.  Does anyone here care about the law?  Am I the only one in this car who cares about the law?"  Said in response to my (idle) threat to throw him over the Minnesota River Bridge.  (Note to Social Services: I wasn't serious, it was said in jest. Honestly.)

"Mom, what kind of place is this?  There's no lemon and no ice in my iced tea?"  Indignantly shouted the length of a ten top restaurant table when the waitress failed to prepare the beverage to his lofty standards.  Offense number two-it was presented in a kid's plastic cup with a straw, not a glass tumbler.  His twin sister was upset that her tea didn't have fresh mint leaves. 

"All we do is eat steak!"  Said with a stomp punctuating each word.  Uttered in response to a suggestion that we drive up north to visit a steakhouse restaurant that Steve used to own.  He was encouraged to repeat the phrase at his father's house. 

"Can you make some of that crab for my school lunch tomorrow?" Request made after a dinner of Tilapia stuffed with lump crab meat-the kind of lump crab meat that runs $16 a pound.

"Is it okay to wear these shoes in the winter, or are they for summer only?" A request made of a pair of white suede shoes his grandmother had sent him.  He was five at the time.  I don't think I fully understood the Easter-Labor Day rule until I was well into high school and I am very sure I never shared the knowledge with him.

"Why did you say I had to wear a t-shirt? Mike's dressed up!" Shouted with angry exasperation as we walked down a dock to a boat that would take us fishing and swimming.  Mario saw that our friend was wearing a golf shirt-with a collar.  This culminated a frustrating morning when Mario couldn't find a collared shirt to match his swim trunks(and that, THAT was a compromise from a short sleeved oxford and tie) and I insisted that he just wear a t-shirt, for the love of God. 

And while this isn't a quote, my sister related a funny story after reading the last post.  The kids all stayed with her over spring break six years ago.  Somehow, and I really have no excuse for this, we neglected to pack a bow tie(threatening to throw a kid off a bridge into a river, AND forgetting a bow tie-it's a wonder I don't have supervised custody after that kind of endangerment).  So the night before Easter, my brother in law drove from store to store in a desperate search for a child's bow tie, while Mario fretted about the state of affairs.  Fortunately, a bow tie was located and victory was his once again.

   

No, it's not the bow tie-just another picture of Mario dressed up for a Mother's Day concert at school.  This outfit caused a bit of an uproar in his second grade class when six other boys requested office passes to call their mothers at home to bring them ties.  They should have called me, we had plenty of extras.

All about Mario

When I was younger, and dreamed of being married and having a family, I always hoped that I would have a set of boy/girl twins.  During the first two years of their lives, I often thought to myself "Next time, be careful what you wish for."  That period following their birth is an absolute blur of diapers, formula, and Blues Clues.      

Mario is serious, the yin to Annelise's yang.  Where she is a creative extrovert, he is a creative introvert.  He's a gifted artist-his attention to detail and depth perception are amazing for an 11 year old.  Steve likes to tell everyone that the first time he met Mario, the little guy told him he liked drawing oil rigs.  When Steve asked why, Mario responded, "Because they're cool."  Indeed, he was working on a four foot high, detailed drawing of an oil rig.   

When Mario was in Kindergarten, he went through a phase where he wore a suit and tie to school each day.  Sometimes a sportcoat, if he was feeling casual.  His belt had to match his shoes, ties were carefully matched to blazers. I indulged this (hell, I encouraged it) and would purchase him real silk ties instead of Matchbox cars and Legos to reward him for good behavior.  He looked like a little Alex P. Keaton.  For his sixth birthday, I bought him a tuxedo.  It was quite the spectacle to have seen him walking the halls of the school dressed like that-he was absolutely resplendent.  His entire demeanor shifted, he strutted to his classroom-and trust me, the crowds parted as he walked down the hallway.  Even dressed in all his finery, Mario was never prissy.  He would still run to the playground and roll around just like any other little boy-which made for some interesting dry cleaning bills.  I'm sure the folks at the cleaners thought that a very sloppy midget lived in our house. (Consumer tip: there is no price break for children's clothing.)  

He still loves to dress up, but realizes the downside of peer pressure so reserves it for special occasions.  Last winter, he and Annelise went with their class on a field trip to the symphony.  He insisted I buy him a new suit for the occasion (Did I even hesitate or balk at this request? No.) and when I took him and Annelise shopping, he even picked out her dress.  She was picking out pink and purple brightly colored attire that 10 year old girls are typically drawn to, but ultimately deferred to her twin’s fashion expertise.  Mario picked out a lovely, understated black dress for her.  “Simple, yet elegant.”  Those were his exact words.  Not long ago, the twins were playing the Sims together.  You’re probably familiar with it, but basically it’s a video game where you create these characters, changing their hair, facial structure, and wardrobe and then you watch them...exist.  Mario and Annelise got into a fistfight because he hated the way she was dressing his character.

Mario is also ahead of the curve in the romance department.  He's already got his eye on a young lady in his class.  On the reverse side of his valentine card to her last year, he wrote, “You have my allegiance.”  I could not make this up.  He asked me if he should write below that, “Seriously.”  I told him no, that sentence pretty much conveyed his intentions.  He told me he first realized that he liked her because she said something in class that was so smart, “Mom, I…I just couldn’t believe she said something so…so…brilliant.  It was like...my mouth just hung open because she’s so smart.”

Mario definitely has a taste for the finer things in life.  For the twins' 11th birthday, I took them to Enjoy!, a restaurant next to my office.  I conduct many recruiting appointments there, so I've become very friendly with the staff over the last couple years.  We showed up for Sunday brunch, because I knew that for $6.95 for each of the twins, I'd be way ahead financially after they were done with "all you can eat" prime rib, bacon, french toast and a chocolate fountain.  After we sat down, Julio, the manager came over to greet us and the wait staff was at their attentive best.  Mario ordered hot tea for his beverage and was floored when they brought him a wooden box filled with silk sachet tea bags to choose from.  I could see the wheels turning in his little mind, and what he was thinking was "This is the life I am accustomed to."  No, he's not a McDonald's Play Place kind of guy, this little man is all about fancy living.  I had to drag that kid out of the restaurant, he would have been content to spend the entire afternoon making trip after trip to the buffet. 

I can't imagine what the future holds for this kid.  I'm secretly hoping that his love of art and his penchant for fine clothing will parlay into a lucrative career as a designer...he's already got the name for it.