Dear Glenn with two N's,
Dude. What is your major malfunction? I've known for a while now that you are the slowest damn checkout guy in the whole store and I've avoided your lane ever since. Tonight though, I was fooled into believing that your short lane was the quickest way for me to get home and put a meatloaf in the oven for my family. I realized too late that I was in for the long haul when available space on the conveyor belt was exposed an inch at a time. I creatively stacked as many groceries as I could utilizing lofty vertical arrangements, hoping this would make your job a little easier. Apparently though, quick and efficient customer service is highly overrated in your world.
After spending a good hour observing your "service" over the last month, I think I've figured out your problem. Instead of paying attention to what you're doing, you seem transfixed-no mesmerized-by everything else happening in the store. For the life of me, I can't imagine what you were staring at, I followed your blank gaze several times and nothing unusual was happening, nor were there any foxy girls working the other registers. Are you daydreaming, hallucinating or what? The only time you looked down at what you were doing is when you briefly checked your hold on an item. I could practically hear the soundtrack in your head, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh", which was only enhanced by your protruding lower lip glistening with a sheen of spittle. After the first few minutes, I wanted to growl "Move!" and just shove you out of the way so that I could ring the order up myself. Although I've had no formal training, I'm very sure I could have wrapped up that particular transaction in under a minute.
In spite of my frustration, I would like to thank you and Nik (with no C) the bag boy for saving me about fifty bucks. After listening to the two of you extolling the virtues of 300 for fifteen minutes, I'm convinced that I can skip the theater run and catch it on Netflix. "Dude, it's like the best movie I've ever seen in like, my whole life. Ever."
"Dude, it was the craziest, most brutal, movie ever."
"Dude. I'm totally going to see it on IMAX this weekend. Anyone who hasn't seen this movie has no life."
Ringing endorsements like that from mouth breathing teen aged boys are proof that it's better to wait for the Netflix envelope, Spartan eye candy or not.
